


Sleepless

by AwkwardPotatoChild



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Tension, But whatever, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Developing Relationship, Drinking to Cope, Drunk Texting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, I mean, Insomnia, Long-Distance Friendship, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Post-Time Skip, Relationship Study, Texting, Therapy, it's kinda also in the middle of the time skip, written pre ch 395
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-02-23 09:08:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23042539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwardPotatoChild/pseuds/AwkwardPotatoChild
Summary: With an ocean separating him and his past, Oikawa finds solace in the last person he ever expected.Translation into Tiếng Việt availablehere!
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Oikawa Tooru & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 90
Kudos: 203





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CaptainJosten](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainJosten/gifts).



> Oh boy. Where do I even begin with this?  
> Well, it started out as [me writing some hcs](https://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/post/190070918070/ushioi-becoming-friends-hcs) for Jaz in [the Orange Court](https://theorangecourt.tumblr.com/) because I love her. From there, I had no impulse control and decided I wanted to actually write it. It became longer than expected and ended up being the first multi-chapter fic I ever wrote in full before posting and my second ever completed multi-chapter fic as well.
> 
> Along with those hcs, I was also inspired by my own struggles with depression during my first year at uni and Epik High's ep, sleepless in __________. Check it out, if you have the chance or haven't already.
> 
> Special dedication to Jaz for not only being the start of this fic, but for also helping me with all things Argentina.
> 
> I think that's it. Hope you all enjoy it. Let me know if there are mistakes. I'll be updating every Friday until it's all posted.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > _Do you have trouble sleeping  
>  Do you have nightmares  
> Are you heartbroken  
> Do you feel down  
> depressed, hopeless  
> Do you miss someone  
> Do you find that things  
> you once enjoyed  
> no longer interest you  
> Are you lonely_
>> 
>> _Are you always  
>  sleepless_
> 
> \- Sleepless by Epik High 

“Cheeee, porque no vamo' a tomar unas birras a ese lugar nuevo?”

A group of women walking by laughed loudly. One of them made a comment, further adding to their laughter.

“Naaah boludo, me dijeron que es una mierda. Vamo' al de sempre!”

Someone honked their horn rapidly. Not aggressive, but it did oddly sound like a song.

Midnight on a Saturday in San Juan. So many things happening, so many things going on, so many people laughing, having fun, and yet…

Oikawa was not.

Laying in bed and staring at his ceiling wasn’t exactly what Oikawa had expected to be doing when he came to Argentina. When he decided to come here, he thought this was it. This was going to be some of the best times of his life. Everyone told him that the twenties were the greatest times of their lives! They all got to let loose and have fun and everything was great and perfect and there were no responsibilities! Oikawa had it even better because he got to go abroad to live and have fun in a foreign country and experience new things! He was going to achieve his volleyball dreams and come back stronger than ever! Everything was supposed to be great and perfect and wonderful, and he would be happy! He was supposed to be so happy!

But here he was, in his apartment, sad, lonely.

Sleepless.

Oikawa couldn’t remember the last time he got a decent night’s rest, let alone a full one. He knows it’s been three months since he moved to Argentina, but even then, he wasn’t sure. Time moved both too quickly and too slow here. It felt like it was just yesterday when he got the news and began studying Spanish furiously in an attempt to be ready. He still remembered saying goodbye to his family, the team, and Iwaizumi that day, reassuring them that this wasn’t for forever and that he’d be back soon enough. Even Takeru had gotten a bit emotional that day!

But now, he couldn’t even remember what he did yesterday or the day before. The days all blurred together into one blob, one routine, that he kept repeating over and over again.

Wake up. Bus. Practice. Bus. Apartment. Sleep.   
Wake up. Bus. Practice. Bus. Apartment. Sleep.   
Wake up. Bus. Practice. Bus. Apartment. Sleep.

Every day the same routine, never changing, never wavering.

And the worst part is that he had no clue why this was all happening.

Back in Miyagi, Oikawa was never one for monotony like this. Iwaizumi could testify to this, no doubt bringing up countless times where he had gotten dragged out at ungodly hours to do who knows what with his best friend. Practically the only consistency in his life back then was volleyball and Iwaizumi.

And it wasn’t like he hadn’t been trying to befriend his new teammates or explore the city either. From the moment he stepped off the plane, Oikawa was fearless as he tried to speak to everyone he could in as much broken Spanglish as possible. After arriving at his apartment, he wandered around the streets near his place, not getting back until late into the night, getting lost in every nook and cranny.

But at some point, it stopped. Something about this city, this place, this situation, lost its luster and he was left feeling...blank. He remembers feeling excited and determined, ready to do whatever it takes to be the best, but now, he could hardly get himself to eat. He could hardly pull himself out of bed. He could hardly get himself excited about volleyball.

And the thought of that horrified him.

The sound of his alarm clock going off both startled and confused him.

Wasn’t it just night?

A look out his window showed that the darkness had long since been replaced with light. He grabbed his phone off the nightstand and the display showed that it was indeed time for him to get going to practice. He sighed before sending a quick text to Iwaizumi, knowing it was well into the night on his side of the world. He moved mindlessly around his apartment, quickly getting ready and was out the door at the same time as always. The bus ride to practice was the same too.

Once he arrived at the gym, Oikawa forced a smile on his face before walking in and was promptly greeted by the rest of his teammates. No one noticed the lack of light in his eyes. The day went by in a flash, setting practically being second nature for him, and it was soon time for him to get cleaned up and head back to his apartment again. He was just about to head out when one of his teammates called out to him.

“Hey, Tooru!” Facundo ran over to him. “Me and some of the other guys are gonna go grab some drinks later and you should join us! It’s been forever since you did!”

“Oh, I don’t know. I’m kinda-”

“Come on! It’ll be fun!”

Facundo had an arm wrapped around him and was smiling brightly. Looking around, the rest of his teammates were all trying to convince him to join them as well. With a faux exasperated sigh, Oikawa gave a nod.

“Okay, sure. Why not?”

All of them cheered and he found himself giving a small smile in return. They separated after that, all of them teasing him and telling him that he better be there later. Like the rest of his team, Oikawa went back to his place to drop off his things and get changed before meeting up at the same bar that they usually went to. The place was as lively as ever, and for a moment, Oikawa forgot how empty he was.

The rest of the night passed by in a blur and it was probably for the best. He remembered Nacho handing him a beer when he first arrived, the whole team cheering. Another drink was handed to him by Emma and he was fairly certain Juli challenged him to a drinking contest, which is why he had no recollection of what happened to him. Luckily, when Oikawa awoke it was to the sound of his alarm going off and the sight of his usual bedroom ceiling. His head was pounding, but thankfully, that was the only part of him that was in pain and there appeared to be no one else in the room with him.

Pulling himself out of bed, as much as Oikawa didn’t want to head in for practice today (though he’s fairly certain that some of the other guys were in the same boat he was), he still managed to wander over to his medicine cabinet and grab some painkillers to at least ease his pounding headache. He then went and got some water, drinking what felt like a liter. Feeling slightly better, Oikawa went to grab his phone to see if maybe he had time to shower before catching the bus, but he caught sight of a new message notification, the name setting off alarms in his head

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐`

Ushiwaka? What the fuck? Why the hell was dumb Ushiwaka texting him for?

Curiosity getting the better of him, Oikawa decided to forgo the shower and would just get cleaned up at the gym, if he needed to. Besides, he would just get gross after practice anyway. Unlocking his phone, he only grew more confused as he read the message.

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Good morning, Oikawa. If my calculations are correct, it should be morning in your time zone. I hope you are feeling much better. Please do not hesitate to let me know if you need anything else.`

Oikawa’s brow furrowed and he frowned as he read and reread the text message. He had questions coming into this and now he had even more. Why was Ushiwaka texting him? What did he mean by feeling better? Why was he being so...nice? It was gross and weird, and Oikawa didn’t like it at all. He had half a mind to call up Iwaizumi and tell him to call that boring buff captain from Karasuno to file for harassment, but then he realized that there was more to the messages. He quickly went back to where it all started and was shocked to find that he had been the one to contact dumb Ushiwaka first.

What the hell happened last night?

`> me: heyyyyy`

`> iwa-chaaaannn!!!!`

`> fsucking answer me!`

`> answer meeeee!!! ヽ( `д´*)ノ`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Oikawa, I believe you have the wrong number.`

`> me: what?`

`> ushiwaka??`

`> why do you have iwa-chan’s phone?`

`> r u on a date?`

`> r u dating?!?!?! ୧((#Φ益Φ#))୨`

`> he didn’t ell me you were dating!!`

`> rude, iwat-chan!`

`> RUDE!`

`> ✴==≡눈٩(`皿´҂)ง`

`> tell me to talk me RIGHT NOW!`

`> i need to talk to hime IRHGT NOW!!!`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Oikawa, I do not have Iwaizumi’s phone nor are we dating. I believe you are intoxicated right now and accidentally texted the wrong number. If you are currently not at your place of residence, it would be best for you to ask someone you know to assist you. If you are, then you should drink plenty of water and go lie down.`

`> me: Fuu;ck you, ushiwake ! let me talk to iwa now!`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Once again, you have the wrong number. Iwaizumi and I are nowhere near each other right now. I will, however, text him and let him know about your current state, so that he may try to convince you to get assistance, if needed.`

`> me: DOAN’E TESALK EM!!`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: I’m sorry?`

`> me: ID SAIO; DON’T TALK TO ME !!! ୧((#Φ益Φ#))୨`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Noted.`

Checking his other messages, Oikawa found that Iwaizumi did try to text him to make sure he wasn’t dead in a ditch somewhere, but drunk Oikawa had ignored those and still firmly believed that Ushiwaka was still Iwaizumi.

`> me: iwaaaaaa!!!`

`> i want to go home!!! (ಥ﹏ಥ)`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: This is still Ushijima. Iwaizumi has yet to respond, but I have notified him of your situation. Please try to find or contact someone else that you know.`

`> me: i want to go home`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: I can try to call a taxi for you, if you are currently not at home.`

`> me: i want to go home`

`> i want to go back to miyagi`

`> i dont think i like it here anymore`

`> i’m supposed to be happy iwachan!`

`> im suppose to be happy!`

`> im gonna be a volleyball star!`

`> gonna be the best setetr ever!`

`> but i hate it herer iwa`

`> i want to go home`

`> im so tired iwa-chan`

`> i’m jsut so tired`

`> i want to sleep`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Oikawa, are you alright?`

`> me: id just want to go home`

`> i’m so tired`

`> i want to sleep`

`> let me go home`

`> let me sleep`

`> i dont think my teammates like me`

`> but idk`

`> they nice ig uess`

`> ibut its not the same`

`> i’m trying`

`> but i feel so alone`

`> i dont fucking know spanish`

`> i’m trying, btut idk`

`> idno’t evevn know english either`

`> thewya were the ones that asked mes out for drinks`

`> it was fun`

`> but i think they just did it dot be eb nice`

`> everyoene knows io don’t belong ehre`

`> i dont tink i belong here`

`> i want go home iwa`

`> i want to to home`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Oikawa, given your current state, it’s likely that you won’t remember this conversation in the morning. I also know we don’t necessarily have the best relationship, but I want you to know that I do understand what you’re going through right now. I do understand what you’re feeling. I hope you know that what you’re feeling is only temporary and that you will be alright. Should you ever need someone to talk to or for someone to just listen, I am more than happy to do so. `

``

`> me: IWA-CHAAAANNNN!!!!`

``

`> ur so ncie!`

``

`> adn great!`

``

`> and wodnerufl!`

``

`> i love you so much!`

``

`> (づ◡﹏◡)づ`

``

`> ur the best`

``

`> im so glad we bffs!`

``

`> i love you so much`

``

`> <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3`

``

`> thank you!!!`

``

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: You’re welcome, Oikawa.`

``

`> Also, I’m still not Iwaizumi.`

``

`> me: i sleepy now (－ω－) zzZ`

``

`> imma sleep`

``

`> night night!`

``

`> love you!`

``

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Good night, Oikawa. I hope you sleep well.`

``

After that was the same text that Oikawa had first read. It was still too early and he was far too hungover to fully take the time to process what the hell happened last night, but what he knew for certain was that he was very confused. From him blatantly ignoring the fact that he was texting Ushiwaka and spilling his guts to him to Ushiwaka actually sounding like a decent human being, it was a lot for him to unpack and for once, Oikawa was thankful that he had practice because it gave him something else to think about.

``

It ended all too soon though and also early since their coach could see how hungover most of them were and told them to come back when they were actually ready to practice. He busied himself with cleaning up and pretending to focus on not wanting to miss his bus stop, but when he got back, alone once again, Oikawa was left with just his thoughts again and he sighed.

``

Oikawa hated Ushiwaka and Ushiwaka hated him. That’s what Oikawa always thought, that was what Oikawa always believed. It was the way of life and he was certain that nothing would ever change that. This brief moment of supposed kindness from Ushiwaka was nothing more than that: brief and supposed. And the more Oikawa thought about it, the more he was certain that Ushiwaka was only pretending to be nice to him to get him to come back to Japan and follow him, but no way, Ushiwaka! No way! He may have tried back in high school to get him to go Shiratorizawa and he may think he can do it now, but Oikawa wasn’t about to let him. He had dreams of his own and none of them involved being anywhere near dumb Ushiwaka!

``

Working himself up, Oikawa grabbed his phone and angrily typed out his response. He knew with the time difference and everything, Ushiwaka wouldn’t answer immediately, which would give Oikawa time to properly regret his decision later on.

``

`> me: Ushiwaka`

``

`> ignore everything i said last night`

``

`> and never talk to me again`

``

`> and never tell anyone about what i said`

``

`> i will never need your help`

``

`> so fuck off! (凸ಠ益ಠ)凸`

``

Throwing his phone haphazardly onto his bed, Oikawa stomped off and continued with his daily routine. He pulled out some food from his fridge and began making his dinner, getting lost in the process, another unexpected change that occurred after he moved to Argentina. He was getting ready to sit down and finally eat, when he heard buzzing coming from his room. Having forgotten about Ushiwaka, Oikawa perked up as he assumed it was Iwaizumi finally texting him back. But his mood soured when he realized who it was.

``

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Oikawa, I apologize if I offended you for some reason and as requested, after this, I will not speak to you again. Of course, what you told me will be kept in confidence. I hope you had a nice day.`

``

`Oikawa scoffed and typed back a reply, completely ignoring his earlier promise.`

``

`> me: why were you so nice to me?`

``

`> answer me!!!`

``

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: I thought you told me not to talk to you.`

``

`> me: well talk to me now, dumb ushiwaka!`

``

`> why were you so nice to me?`

``

`> i hate you!`

``

`> you hate me!`

``

`> we hate each other!`

``

`> but i hate to say it, but you were nice last night!`

``

`> why?`

``

`> is this some plan to get me to come back to japan?!`

``

`> bc i wont`

``

`> im not coming back!`

``

Dinner completely forgotten, Oikawa sat on his bed and glowered at his phone, staring intently at the little dots that kept flashing as he waited. Ushiwaka’s response couldn’t come quickly enough.

``

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: As mentioned before, it was not my intention to offend you in any way. I was only trying to help since I could understand and relate to what you were feeling. I assure you that none of this is part of any larger scheme or plan. I apologize again if it came off as that.`

``

`> Also, while you have made it clear that you dislike me, I would like to clarify that I have never disliked you. I understand that you may feel that way and I’m sorry that I have made you feel that I felt the same way. However, I have never disliked you and have had nothing but respect for you. I still apologize nonetheless.`

``

Oikawa scoffed and rolled his eyes.

``

`> me: respect?!`

``

`> you have a really shitty way of showing it then`

``

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Once again, it was never my intention to be rude. It wasn’t until later on that Tendou pointed out that what I said may have been misconstrued as such. It has often been pointed out that I am not good with words. I’m too blunt and to be quite honest, I’m never really sure of what to say to people since I dislike small talk. I’ve been told I’m better over text since it gives me time to properly think about what I want to say. Still, I’m sorry.`

``

Oikawa grumbled to himself, fingers poised to type out a snarky response, but he found himself pausing and rereading the words before him. He could practically hear Ushiwaka’s dumb voice saying them to his face and the thought made him frown, but it also made him realize that they may be more genuine than he originally thought. Like Ushiwaka had said, he’s blunt, relentlessly so, and that was a fact that Oikawa was all too aware of. But since he knew how blunt Ushiwaka was, he also knew that he wasn’t the type to couch his words or dance around the vein. He was direct and to the point, so if he was apologizing now, it could only be a genuine apology. The thought of that made Oikawa hesitate before deciding he couldn’t go on being like this his entire life.

``

`> me: i suppose i can accept your apology`

``

`> that doesn’t mean we’re friends or anything tho!`

``

`> so dont go texting me or antyhing`

``

`> i still dont wanna talk to you`

``

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Of course.`

``

`> And I’m glad you accepted my apology. Thank you. I know you don’t consider me a friend, but I hope we can at least be cordial with each other. I must go to practice now, but I’m glad we had this discussion. I hope you have a good night, Oikawa.`

``

Checking the time, Oikawa now realized that it was getting rather late. He then remembered his dinner from earlier and went to put it away for tomorrow, no longer hungry. He quickly got ready for bed, but once again, sleep didn’t come.

``

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this!  
> If you enjoyed what you read, it would be greatly appreciated if you could reblog or like this fic's corresponding tumblr post, found [here.](https://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/post/611872048611016704/sleepless-ch-1)
> 
> [dangcommaannie.tumblr.com](http://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Updates](http://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/tagged/annie-writes-updates)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > _I’m sleepless in Seoul_   
>  _Again, I’m tossing and turning all night_   
>  _Anxious thought and regrets gather in my room._   
> 
> 
> \- In Seoul by Epik High 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the great responses on the last chapter. It's greatly appreciated.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy this chapter as well. Let me know if there are mistakes. See you next Friday.

It wasn’t long until morning came, another night of no sleep, and Oikawa was back into his monotonous routine once more and found himself arriving at practice. He waved and greeted his teammates, all of them joking around like always, but like yesterday, Oikawa was distracted again.

He kept thinking about what Ushiwaka had said to him and the sincerity behind his apology. For the majority of the time that they’ve known each other, Oikawa has always hated Ushiwaka and he assumed that he always would. He thought Ushiwaka felt the same, but to know that he didn’t, to know that he respected him, to know that he was awkward, to know that he was just...not what Oikawa thought he was, scared him. He knew he was stubborn, but that didn’t mean Oikawa wasn’t going to be blind to the possibility that the reason he refused to have any sort of cordial conversation with Ushiwaka was because he was afraid. It was easier for them to hate each other. It was easier for them to not talk. It was easier to misunderstand. It was easier to see Ushiwaka as a monster and not human.

But Ushiwaka  _ was _ human and Oikawa was becoming more and more aware of that. His texts to him made that clear, but the fact that he mentioned not just relating, but understanding how Oikawa felt in his current position made him curious. Oikawa was always certain that Ushiwaka lived a perfect life with a perfect family and a perfect team at a perfect school with plenty of perfect girls and boys chasing after him. He would then go on to have a perfect volleyball career and have a perfect family of his own and then retire to another perfect job, all without having to try. Oikawa knew it would be impossible for him to have all of that, so maybe a part of him had been jealous as well. But to hear that it may not all be perfect shattered all of his assumptions.

If Ushiwaka wasn’t perfect, then what was he? What else was going on? What else was there to know?

Oikawa suddenly found himself growing more curious about Ushiwaka and what he said, which was the last thing he expected, but he had a mystery to unravel now. It was already odd enough that Ushiwaka even bothered to respond to him, but the fact that he was cordial and trying to connect meant something, something that Oikawa wasn’t sure of yet, but something, and while he didn’t want to fully admit it yet, something that he desperately wanted to know.

His mind was continuously clouded with thoughts of Ushiwaka that he once again failed to realize that it was morning and he hated himself a bit for it. A glance at his calendar reminded him that it was his break day, so with a huff, Oikawa reached for his phone to begin his new mission.

Getting to know Ushiwaka

`> me: hey`

`> whats up?`

It was then that Oikawa wondered if Ushiwaka was even up at this time. There was a twelve hour time difference (which Iwa-chan happily reminded him of every time he called) between Argentina and Japan, and while it wasn’t too late, someone as responsible and strict as Ushiwaka seemed like the type to go to bed early, so he could be up at the crack of dawn. Luckily, Oikawa didn’t wait long and a small buzz alerted him to the fact that Ushiwaka responded.

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Oikawa, hello. I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today. I thought you said you didn’t want to talk to me and for me to not text you.`

Oikawa rolled his eyes and quickly came up with an excuse.

`> me: yeah well im bored its my day off and iwa-chan won’t respond`

`> i need to do something so ill take back our talking ban for now`

`> so hi how was your day`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: I see. I was just about to head home. I originally planned on cooking tonight, but practice ran later than expected, so I had to pick up something from the convenience store instead.`

For once, the mention of volleyball made Oikawa frown and he wrinkled his nose as he typed his response. Didn’t this guy have any interests besides volleyball? Even Tobio liked milk or something.

`> me: bleh! no volleyball talk! [ ± _ ± ]`

`> im not in the mmood for that rn! its my day off and i wanna enjoy it!`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Then, what would you like to talk about instead?`

`> me: idk surprise me`

`> you must have other interests besides volleyball`

There was a pause as Oikawa waited for Ushiwaka to continue their conversation. A good couple of minutes passed and he was starting to wonder if he managed to break him. Maybe he  _ was _ as boring as Oikawa thought he was.

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: My plants are all doing well.`

What?

Oikawa squinted and reached for his glasses. Just as he expected, he had read that correctly.

`> me: your...plants????`

`> (・・ ) ?`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Yes, plants have always been a point of interest for me. However, I did not fully become invested in them until late in high school. I was only able to keep a few while at Shiratorizawa since I lived in the dorms, but now that I have my own place, I’ve been able to get more.`

`> me: huh`

`> that was...not what i was expecting from you`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: I like being able to take care of things. It gives me something to do and the fruits of my labor are always worthwhile. My family had a farm that I would spend time at when I was younger and I grew up around animals as well. An animal companion would be nice to have, but given my schedule, I worry that I wouldn’t be able to give it the time and attention that it should truly deserve, hence why I keep plants instead.`

`> me: that makes a lot of sense actually`

`> hey so that means you nkow a lot about plants right?`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: I suppose I do know more than the average person.`

Oikawa rolled his eyes.

`> me: okay so like are there any plants that are easy to take care of?`

`> like super easy`

`> like i can leave it and it’ll be okay type`

`> cause like everything i grow dies`

`> and iwa-chan tells me its bc of my shitty personality`

`> but i know thats not true! ヽ( `д´*)ノ`

`> i just dont know anything about plants!`

Oikawa waited for Ushiwaka to respond. He watched as the little dots bounced back and worth for what felt like forever. Was he writing an essay or something? Oikawa just wanted a few plant recommendations, not their entire history.

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Cacti are an obvious choice. They’re able to withstand extended periods with little to no water. If you’re looking for other options, a pothos is also low-maintenance and is on the smaller side as well. The vines can grow to over 10 feet long though, so keep that in mind. Aloe Vera is popular as well and it can be used to heal wounds and skin conditions. Kalanchoe are water-retaining succulents and they grow colorful, bell-shaped flowers, if you want something that isn’t all green. Christmas Cacti have flowers that come in red, white, pink, and purple.`

`> me: wow thanks`

`> that was actually helpful`

`> on my next day off i might go and get myself a plant then`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: You’re welcome. If you have any other plant questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. I’m more than happy to discuss them.`

`> me: ok then well show me your plants then`

`> i bet you have a lot of fancy ones that are all fancy and shit`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: I am unsure of what you mean by fancy, but I do have some of the plants that I suggested you look into. Here is a picture of my kalanchoe.`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: [IMAGE]`

Oikawa hummed as he looked at the plant. He had to admit, it was nice looking, with its dainty flowers, and he could see the care that Ushiwaka put into taking care of it due to how the sunlight was hitting the plant. But there was something on the side of the pot that made him pause.

`> me: why is tehre a sticker that says roy?`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: That’s his name.`

`> me: …`

`> im sorry`

`> but what???`

`> name????`

`> (・・ ) ?`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Yes, I name all of my plants. Tendou gave him to me though, so I let Tendou name him. He’s from Fullmetal Alchemist.`

`> me: ah yes that guess monster guy with the red hair`

`> that makes more sense`

`> but anyway you name them your plants?`

`> do you ven know what fma even is???`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: I do. Tendou introduced me to it. While I’m not a fan of many animes and mangas, I will say that Fullmetal Alchemist is one that I enjoy greatly. The writing in it is well-thought out and interesting. It provides many thought provoking questions as well. The way the characters are written are of highlight too. Each of them are well-rounded and unique, especially the female characters, which I find to be a rarity among shounen anime and manga.`

`> me: …`

`> wtf?`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: I’m sorry?`

`> me: no not you`

`> im just`

`> confused?`

`> like idk`

`> you really dont seem like the type to like anime`

`> or anything fun`

`> especially since you were always a jerk to me`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: As I said before, it was never my intention to be rude to you. I admit that I don’t have much interest in anime, but Tendou enjoys them.`

`> me: hmm i see`

`> so idd you watch the original or brotherhood?`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Only Brotherhood. Tendou said the original, while still good, isn’t the same as Brotherhood, so he decided we would only watch that. I’m assuming you’ve seen Fullmetal Alchemist as well since you asked me that.`

`> me: yea i have`

`> i liked it a lot but clearly not as much as you and tendou did`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: I see. Can I ask who your favorite character is then? Mine is Riza.`

Oikawa snorted. It was hard to believe someone his age actually texted like this, but then again, he was learning a lot of unexpected things about Ushiwaka already.

`> me: hmmmm`

`> i don’t think i have tbh`

`> iwa-chan thinks i should like ed tho`

`> he says its bc im “shouty”`

`> but hes just rude and wrong!`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Interesting. To be quite honest, given our past conversations, I expected you to say Pride.`

`> me: nah i didnt care for pride`

`> interesting character but not for me`

`> wait…`

`> was that a joke?`

`> did you just mae a joke?`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Yes, I did.`

`> I apologize, if that offended you. It was not my intention.`

`> me: no no no`

`> you didn’t, actually`

`> i just`

`> didt think you knew what a joke was`

`> just wasnt expecting it`

`> yeah anyway your just full of surprises aren’t you?`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: I suppose.`

`> I apologize, but it’s getting late and I need to sleep, so I must end our conversation here. It was nice talking to you.`

`> me: yeah same here`

`> you...aren’t as bad as i thought`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Good night, Oikawa. I hope you have a nice day off.`

`> me: bye`

Oikawa felt like his brow was perpetually furrowed as he went back and reread their entire conversation. He  _ did _ say it was his goal to learn more about Ushiwaka, which he did, it just wasn’t...what he expected. To be honest, Oikawa wasn’t really sure what he expected to learn about Ushiwaka, but it certainly wasn’t all that. But what befuddled him even more was the fact that he may have even enjoyed it, getting to know him. Ushiwaka was more interesting than Oikawa thought he would be and for a brief moment, he didn’t completely hate his supposed lifelong rival. He wasn’t sure what to think of that.

Oikawa groaned and tossed his phone away to grab for his pillow. He promptly punched it repeatedly before burrowing his face and screaming. Once calm, he picked up his phone again and dialed a number he knew by heart.

“You better have a damn good reason for calling me at this fucking hour, Shittykawa.”

“Rude, Iwa-chan! Rude!” Oikawa whined. “And I have a legitimate problem!”

He could already imagine Iwaizumi’s tired expression already. “Are you dying?”

“Well...no.”

“Are you injured?”

“No, of course not.”

“Is there someone you know who’s dying or injured?”

“...no.”

“Then, it’s not a ‘legitimate problem.’ Now, I have to sleep and-”

“No, Iwa-chan! Please! I need to talk to you!”

Iwaizumi sighed. “Fine. Make it quick.”

“I knew you loved me.”

“Oikawa,” warned Iwazumi.

“I got it! I got it!” Oikawa sighed. “Okay, so you know how I got drunk the other night?”

“Yeah, Ushijima had to text me. Glad to hear you didn’t end up in the hospital, by the way.”

“Yeah, thanks for the concern. So anyway, after all that drama, I went back through everything that happened and I found messages between me and Ushiwaka. But he was, like, weirdly nice, so I thought, “Hey! Maybe he’s got some ulterior motive!” So I decided to text him and do some sleuthing, but the thing is that he’s not that bad. Maybe a little weird, but I don’t think he has any hidden plans, so I just...I don’t know.”

Iwaizumi was silent and Oikawa wondered if maybe he had hung up. But the telltale sign of him humming as he mused over the information assured him that his best friend was still there.

“Okay.”

Oikawa sputtered. “‘Okay?’ That’s all you have to say? ‘Okay?’”

“Well, yeah,” answered Iwaizumi. “I mean, I don’t like the guy and I know you don’t like him, but I don’t see what the problem is with you trying to get to know him.”

“Really?” Oikawa wrinkled his nose in displeasure.

“Really. Yeah, he was a pain in our asses during high school and all that, but we’ve graduated and moved on. I know you’re the type to hold onto grudges until your deathbed, but the fact that you seem to not completely want to murder Ushijima isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I may not like him still, but that doesn’t mean you have to as well.”

He sighed. “I don’t know, Iwa-chan. It just feels like...like I’m betraying you and our friends for some reason. It just feels so weird because I think I’m supposed to hate him, but now, I hate him a little less and it feels like I’m doing something wrong.”

“You’re not,” Iwaizumi reassured. “It’s just the first time in your life you’re actually not being a selfish baby.”

He gasped, the telltale sign of his best friend laughing ringing in his ear. “Rude, Iwa-chan!”

“But seriously though, while it is hard for me to kinda wrap my brain around the fact that Ushijima was concerned about you, he can’t be that bad if his first thought was to text me. If you think he’s not as bad as we thought he was, then that’s fine. It’s not like you’re gonna start dating him or something.”

“Ew! Gross! What the fuck, Iwa-chan?!”

“And he’s back to normal.”

Oikawa rolled his eyes and pouted. An ocean away and he could still see Iwaizumi smirking at him. They fell into a brief silence, neither of them saying anything. It almost felt like they were back together and Oikawa thought he caught a glimpse of the past.

“I gotta get to sleep now,” Iwaizumi finally said.

“Yeah. Okay.”

“Good night, Oikawa.”

There was some rustling and a yawn on the other end. It was daytime, but Oikawa found himself, laying down and pulling the covers over himself as well, letting a familiar warmth overtake him.

“Good night, Iwa-chan, and thanks.”

Iwaizumi chuckled. “Of course. And don’t work too hard, okay?”

“Yes, mom.”

Iwaizumi let out a grunt before hanging up. Oikawa sighed and let his phone fall onto the bed, snuggling further into his blanket. After all these years, he thought it wouldn’t be a surprise how easily Iwaizumi managed to calm him down and talk some sense into him, and yet, he still thought it was incredible how the other could even manage to deal with him.

Iwaizumi was right though. For once, Oikawa had managed to overcome his selfishness and swallow his pride. It was a big step for him, whether he realized it or not, but hopefully, this meant for better things in his future. He may not be able to picture it now, but maybe, one day, he could happily call Ushiwaka his colleague, he could happily call Ushiwaka his teammate, he could happily call Ushiwaka his friend. It was still a foreign idea in his mind, but he’s taken the first step and he couldn’t take it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your support!  
> If you enjoyed what you read, it would be greatly appreciated if you could reblog or like this fic's corresponding tumblr post, found [here.](https://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/post/612502841657049088/sleepless-ch-2) Leaving a comment or kudos would be greatly appreciated as well!
> 
> [dangcommaannie.tumblr.com](http://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Updates](http://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/tagged/annie-writes-updates)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > _I’ve been tryin ’ to erase ya.  
>  I’ve been tryin ’ to erase ya._
>> 
>> _I’m trying so hard_
>> 
>> _to erase you._
>> 
>> _By trying so hard to erase you, I’m erasing myself.  
>  The moon is cold and tonight these drinks are going down easy.  
> I know I shouldn’t, but I’m trying to erase you._
> 
> \- Lovedrunk by Epik High 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I'd update on Fridays, but I got a bit impatient and I figured with all that's happening, some of y'all would appreciate an earlier update. Don't worry. I'll be updating on Friday as well.
> 
> For now, enjoy!

A few days went by without Oikawa wanting to contact Ushiwaka and he was starting to think that maybe this was just a phase. Maybe Iwaizumi was wrong. Maybe he wasn’t trying to be a better person at all. Or maybe his interest in contacting Ushiwaka could’ve come from a moment of desperation and he needed some form of human interaction since he was so lonely here and Ushiwaka was the first person to show any sign of understanding.

Yeah, that last one was ridiculous, so he brushed it off as a phase.

Either way, since he didn’t seem to be interested anymore, Oikawa was back to ignoring Ushiwaka, but that also meant Oikawa was left to his own thoughts and routine once again.

Wake up. Bus. Practice. Bus. Apartment. Sleep.   
Wake up. Bus. Practice. Bus. Apartment. Sleep.   
Wake up. Bus. Practice. Bus. Apartment. Sleep.

It wasn’t long before that same empty feeling returned and began eating away at him again. Only this time, it came as a shock because the fact that he recognized it was returning meant that it had gone away, meant that something in his life made him feel like himself again, and deny as he might, Oikawa had a pretty good guess as to what that something may have been.

But stubborn pride was a powerful vice and rather than go back to the person he knew had helped him before, he sought out help in another way.

Another Saturday night and Oikawa found himself drunk again. This time, no friends around. No sign of his teammates or familiar faces or people shoving drinks into his hand.

Just him. At his apartment. With his beer.

Alone. Like always.

He wasn’t sure what drink he was on and quite frankly, he didn’t care. There was no practice tomorrow, so he could do whatever he wanted and right now, that meant drinking as much as he could. He knew it wouldn’t change anything, wouldn’t magically erase how he felt, how empty he was inside, but at the very least he could pretend, at the very least he could lie.

Another drink followed another and it wasn’t long before he was out.

Hadn’t he gotten more? He could’ve sworn he bought more.

Swaggering up from where he was half sitting, half laying on the floor, Oikawa made his way into his kitchen to check the fridge, only to find nothing. He checked his cabinets and found them bare as well. He figured this was a sign for him to stop and go to sleep already, but a low growl from his stomach stopped him. He knew there was no food in his apartment, so Oikawa decided to go in search of it outside, hoping that the fresh air would help him sober up. But even on a Saturday, there wasn’t much open at 2 am and he found himself at a place that was all too familiar.

McDonald’s at 2 am really was a universal experience.

The cashier didn’t even look twice as he barely managed to order and toss some money onto the counter. It wouldn’t be until he sobered up later that he realized how shitty he looked. Past him would’ve been appalled that he actually went outside, and even tried to flirt, in this state, but current him didn’t care that he was wearing some ratty old sweatpants and a well-worn alien shirt, along with socks and sandals. All that mattered was that he needed to eat as many chicken nuggets and fries that his body could possibly handle.

His food was done shortly and he found a seat at a booth in the back. Eyes blurry, he still managed to make out a few figures in the place, most likely in the same state that he was, and began stuffing his face. He already knew he was going to be sick when he woke up, but right now, this was the best thing that he had ever tasted, thoroughly soaking up all the alcohol in his body.

It didn’t take long for him to finish, having been hungrier than he thought. He let out a loud burp and leaned back in his seat. Fatigue washed over him, and he knew he should get up and go home, but he figured a few minutes couldn’t hurt.

The seat was cold through the thin material of his shirt and who knows how much grossness was on them, but the moment his back hit the seat, Oikawa felt his eyes start to close and let out a sigh. He raised an arm to block out the bright lights, but as he did so, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket and groaned. Pulling it out, he saw it was just weather notification and set out to silent it, but he paused as his mind drifted to Ushiwaka again.

He told himself that he shouldn’t, but the alcohol’s influence was too sweet.

`> me: hey`

`> u busy?`

`> cause im booooorrreeeddd`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Hello, Oikawa.`

`> You have impeccable timing because I’m taking a brief break from practice right now. I will have to end our conversation in approximately 15 minutes though, so I apologize in advance.`

`> But also, I don’t mean to be rude or judgmental, but isn’t it the middle of the night for you now?`

`> me: r u alwysad so formal??`

`> like do u evr chill???`

`> i thibk u gotaa learn to chilllll`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Oikawa, are you alright? Should I try to contact Iwaizumi again?`

`> me: nooooo dontca ll iim`

`> hea meanann`

`> i wanna talk 2 u ushiwaka!!`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Oikawa, are you drunk again? Do you need me to help you?`

`> me: FUCK yeah im drunk!`

`> and is gerat!`

`> gret!`

`> great!`

`> there we go!!`

`> ＼(￣▽￣)／`

`> ad no! i dont need help!`

`> im @ mcds!`

`> and i ate soooooo much!!!!`

`> and now i want to lseep`

`> but ialso want to atlk`

`> so takl to me ushiwaka!`

`> talk to meeeeee!!!`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: I see. Well, in that case, I will talk to you if you go home. I think that would be best, given your current state.`

`> me: bleh! (((p(>o<)q)))`

`> u sound like iwa now`

`> but fine`

`> only bc i broed`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Thank you.`

With a pout, Oikawa pulled himself up. Drunk as he was, he was still a decent human being and he quickly threw out his trash before making his way out. Luckily, the McDonald’s was just around the corner from his place, so the walk wasn’t far. He inhaled deeply, taking in the cool night air.

`> me: kaaaaayyyy`

`> im walkng back rn`

`> happy?`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Yes, thank you again.`

`> Is the walk back to your place far? Is there someone who can give you a ride home or can call for a ride? If not, I am happy to help.`

`> me: naaah is not far`

`> i walked t obegin with`

`> only like`

`> 5 min max`

`> imma be ok`

`> dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐: Alright then. That’s good to hear.`

`> In that case, what did you want to talk about then?`

`> me: hmmmmm`

`> idk`

Oikawa turned his attention back to walking home without hurting himself. He nearly forgot he was waiting for a response until the sound of his phone ringing came from his pocket. Startled, he answered it without looking.

“Hello?”

“Oikawa, hello.”

He froze. “Ushiwaka?”

“Yes, it’s me, Ushijima.”

Oikawa wasn’t sure whether he was disoriented because of the alcohol or the shock of hearing that familiar deep voice after so long, but either way, he felt himself grow dizzy and leaned against a nearby building.

“Why are you calling?” he finally managed to say. “Don’t you have better things to do, like practice?”

“I do, but I was concerned, so I told my coach I had a personal emergency to deal with.”

Oikawa snorted. “Never expected you to be the type to lie.”

“I wasn’t lying.”

He inhaled sharply, mouth going dry. Drunk or not, there was no mistaking how sincere Ushiwaka was right now and it not only further confirmed the fact that he was genuine the first time Oikawa drunkenly contacted him, but increased his curiosity of the other young man.

The sound of a horn honking reminded him of where he was and continued his walk back home. He could see his apartment building already approaching.

“Oh, I see,” he cooed. “I should’ve known you were obsessed with me. I bet you care soooo much about me, Ushiwaka. Bet you were sooooo worried when you saw me texting you again!”

“I was concerned, actually, which is why I decided to call instead.”

“What?”

“Yes,” answered Ushiwaka. “While I prefer to text, it is much more efficient for me to call you. I apologize in advance if I unintentionally say something offensive.”

Oikawa hummed, but said nothing more. He finally made it to his apartment and was making his way up the stairs. It was silent on the other end of the line as he unlocked his door.

“Well, this certainly is riveting, but aren’t you going to say something to me?” he snapped. “You were the one that called me after all!”

“Only because you texted me and wanted to talk first.”

“Oh. Right. I forgot about that.”

Oikawa slammed the door shut, forgetting the time. He wandered over to his bed and collapsed into it, letting out a groan.

“Was that the door just now?” Ushiwaka asked. “Are you back home?”

“Yeah, I am,” he mumbled. “Happy now, dad?”

“Yes, I’m glad to hear that you’re safe. Now that we’re done, I’m going to-”

“Wait, no!” The desperation in his voice was unfamiliar. “Don’t go yet. Don’t leave me alone yet, Ushiwaka.”

It was quiet again and he wondered if maybe Ushiwaka had hung up anyway. It went on for a smidge too long and he was ready to hang up, when he heard a sigh and perked back up.

“Alright.”

“Yay! Thanks, Ushiwaka! I knew even you couldn’t resist my charm!”

“You’re welcome,” he said. “Once again, I can’t stay long, but I will stay, on one other condition.”

“What is it?”

“Please don’t call me Ushiwaka.”

Oikawa snorted. “Why? That’s your name, isn’t it?”

“Yes, but it’s not my actual name. Ushijima would suffice.”

“Mmmm…I don’t know. You’re gonna have to give me a better reason than that, Ushiwaka.”

He sighed. “Alright then,” he said. “When I was in preschool, one of my teachers mentioned to the class that Ushiwakamaru was the childhood name of Minamoto no Yoshitsune. Because of the story of his eight boat leap, the other children convinced me to try and do the same by jumping over eight of them. Obviously, I did not make it and I ended up colliding heads with another child in my class as well as kneeing another in the ear. It was very painful for all of us and not one of my proudest moments. You calling me Ushiwaka reminds me of that memory.”

The cackle that escaped Oikawa was probably the ugliest noise he had ever made and most likely would have led to Iwaizumi endless teasing him for the rest of his life. It was a sound that he would be appalled to know had left his body, had he been sober, but in the moment, being able to laugh so freely and so genuinely was something that Oikawa hadn’t done in a long time, and the unbridled joy that overtook him was greater than any sort of embarrassment.

“Oh my god.” He was now wheezing and curled up. He could feel his stomach begin to ache. “That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard. I can’t believe Mr. “I’m so stoic and mature” was a dumbass little shit too!”

“Yes, like everyone else, I was once a young and very dumb child. I’m glad someone found that story amusing.”

Oikawa continued to laugh, tears welling up in his eyes. He wiped them away quickly and took a deep breath to calm himself down. “Oh my god. I think that just made my night, Ushiwaka. I can’t believe you did that.” He heard a grunt from the other line. “Sorry, I mean...Ushi-chan! Yeah, Ushi-chan. Better?”

“Yes, I suppose.”

Oikawa chuckled before they fell silent and his mind began to wander. This time, he didn’t snap at Ushijima for not saying anything more, having now realized that he might be refraining for fear of offending him. Or maybe he did have no interest in the conversation. Oikawa wasn’t sure, but either way, the silence was oddly comfortable and he found himself not minding.

“So since you shared a story about yourself, I suppose I can share one about myself too,” he said after some time. “Once, when I was little, my sister and Iwa-chan decided to surprise me for my birthday and dressed up like aliens because I love aliens and space. They thought I’d be super excited, but instead, I ended up crying and screaming, and no one could stop me until they took off the costumes.” He chuckled softly and smiled to himself as he recalled the memory. “It wasn’t until later that we figured out that, in my little kid mind, seeing them dressed up as aliens meant I now lived in a world where they no longer existed. Like, I couldn’t understand why two people that I knew my entire life decided to become something else that I didn’t know. So even though I thought that aliens were really cool, I just wanted my best friend and sister back.”

Ushijima hummed. “You certainly must have been shocked,” he said. “It is interesting though because something similar happened to one of my cousins.”

“Really?”

“My uncle tried to dress up as Santa last year. She’d been looking forward to seeing Santa all year, but when she saw my uncle, her father, dressed up, she threw a tantrum and refused to interact with him until he took off the costume. She was only about four when it happened, so I don’t know if she fully understood why she reacted that way, but after what you said, it makes a lot of sense why she reacted the way that she did.”

Oikawa chuckled, but midway, it transformed into a yawn. “Tell me more about your family, Ushijima.”

“Perhaps another time. It sounds like you are growing tired and I believe you should get some rest.”

“Nooo,” Oikawa whined, but another yawn escaped him. “I wanna know about your family.”

“Then, I will tell you when you wake up.”

“Promise?”

Ushijima huffed. “I promise.”

Oikawa giggled to himself, giddy with the fact that he was getting his way. Eyes growing heavier with each passing second, he grabbed for one of his pillows and hugged it to his chest, sighing contently.

“Thanks for talking to me and answering my drunk call, Ushijima.”

“You’re welcome,” came the soft reply. “Good night, Oikawa. Get some rest.”

“G’night. Talk to you later. Have a good practice.”

“Of course.”

Oikawa wouldn’t remember hanging up, but he remembered feeling warm as his eyes closed and he drifted to sleep. Usually, he felt like he wasn’t getting enough, no matter how much he got, and was perpetually tired, having to use every ounce of his strength to get out of bed. But when Oikawa awoke after only around seven hours of sleep because he needed to go to the bathroom, he felt better rested than he had in awhile. He was still tired, of course, so he was thankful for the day off. But he was only exhausted on a physical level, he realized, and not on the same mental level he usually did. His mind didn’t feel quite as heavy.

And it wouldn’t be until later that Oikawa realized he also felt fuller during his conversation with Ushijima than he did during his full night of drinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> If you enjoyed what you read, it would be greatly appreciated if you could reblog or like this fic's corresponding tumblr post, found [here.](https://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/post/612878997124169728/sleepless-ch-3) Leaving a comment or kudos would be greatly appreciated as well!
> 
> [dangcommaannie.tumblr.com](http://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Updates](http://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/tagged/annie-writes-updates)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > _Sleepless in the early morning  
>  The tears I’ve been holding back come pouring down  
> Maybe it’s because I’m feeling more relaxed  
> But I don’t feel anything  
> What do I do?_
> 
> \- Eternal Sunshine by Epik High 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back with another chapter! Thanks for all of your support in the previous chapter.  
> This was simultaneously the easiest and the hardest chapter to write. Hope you all like it.
> 
> See you next Friday.

Oikawa carried on with his usual routine again, but this time, it was different. It felt different.

That empty feeling was still there and he still felt like he was moving automatically through his daily life, but there were little patches, here and there, where he felt happy, genuinely happy, like how he felt before he came to Argentina, and though he would never admit it to someone else, Oikawa could at least tell himself now that it was because of Ushijima.

Never in a million years would he have considered Ushijima a friend, but having drunkenly talked to him twice now and realizing he wasn’t that bad, Oikawa became more frequent in his messages. It was actually fun talking to him. As much as Oikawa loved Iwaizumi and as much as Iwaizumi loved Oikawa, and as much as he knew his best friend would always be there for him, no matter how much he grumbled and complained about it, it was nice having someone else to talk to and learn about. He would never tell Ushijima this, of course, but he even took the time to change his name from ‘dumb Ushiwaka ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐’ to just ‘Ushijima’ too.

Oikawa quickly learned that he had to erase all his preconceived notions about him because he wasn’t all that much like how he had expected. He thought Ushijima was a tyrant captain, but he found that he cared deeply for his team, having memorized all of their birthdays and bringing them flowers from his home garden. He thought Ushijima was arrogant, but there were plenty of things he was insecure about, like his lack of social awareness. He thought Ushijiima’s only hobby was volleyball, but he discovered that he helped out at his local gardening club. He thought Ushijima had a perfect home life, but he learned that his parents were divorced, and he was an only child and the first grandchild in a highly traditional family.

He thought Ushijima was bastard Ushiwaka, but he was really Ushijima Wakatoshi.

Not only that, they related to each other more than Oikawa had expected as well. Obviously, they were both hardcore volleyball nerds who were too stubborn to quit. But on top of that, they both found a common interest in space. Oikawa was obsessed with aliens, which spawned his love of the universe, while Ushijima’s came from when he would stargaze with his uncle on his farm. Both weren’t the best of cooks, but could get by on their own. Both of them liked to read, but whereas Oikawa was more into science fiction, Ushijima was more interested in true crime and non-fiction. Both of them hated doing laundry, despite the joy of having clean, warm clothes to wear afterwards.

And all these new changes were good. They were so good to Oikawa. He could feel himself slowly becoming better. The heavy emptiness that filled him before had lessened. He was starting to feel more like himself. He had hope that he forgot he had before.

But it wasn’t enough.

Oikawa was happy to say that he was starting to feel better, but there were days where the emptiness came back and it came back strong. It was suffocating and all encompassing, instantly destroying any form of happiness he thought he had felt. It weighed heavy on his heart and it made his chest ache for something that he couldn’t fulfill. It left him crying in the shower to cover his tears and wrapped in blankets, never wanting to leave. It ate away at his soul and confidence. He felt lost and it made him wonder if he even knew what he was doing at all. Somehow, he was perpetually exhausted, but sleep never came to him at night.

So here he was, back in bed on a Saturday, listening to people having fun outside, while he stared at his ceiling and wondered what the hell had happened, wondering if he was really getting better at all.

A glance at his phone told him that it was morning in Japan, meaning Ushijima was now up. He could also tell because a picture of a smiling Shiba Inu greeted him. The two of them have gotten close enough that Ushijima felt comfortable texting him on his own, so he usually sent him pictures of any dogs he saw on his morning run, both at the request of Oikawa and simply because he wanted to.

He gave a small smile at the picture, but sighed, knowing it was enough to bring him real happiness. He was typing before he knew it.

`> me: Hey`

`> are you done with your run?`

`> it’s your day off, yeah?`

It was odd to think that he actually knew that now, but he had other things on his mind.

`> Ushijima: Yes, I just got back from my morning run and am now eating breakfast. I assume you’re in bed and getting ready to sleep now.`

`> me: yeah`

`> or at least trying to`

`> Ushijima: I see. Well, is there anything you’d like to talk about then?`

Yes. Desperately.

`> me: hmmm idk`

`> i’ll let you eat first and then we’ll talk`

`> i’ll be up anyways`

`> Ushijima: Alright then.`

Oikawa let out another heavy sigh. The two of them had grown close over the course of the last few weeks and he had grown more comfortable talking to Ushijima, but...was it enough for him to really talk about how he was feeling? Was it enough for Ushijima to really be willing to listen to him? He hadn’t even spoken to Iwaizumi about this fully yet. His best friend knew some of what was going on with him, but even then, it was hard to fully talk about because he knew something like this was difficult to process if one hasn’t experienced it themselves. He knows that when they first started talking, Ushijima had mentioned understanding, but since then, the topic has never broached.

Oikawa continued to internally struggle between wanting to keep quiet and needing to be vulnerable. He knew it was what he had to do, in order to potentially start becoming more like himself, but the thought of doing so was terrifying. What if he didn’t get better? What if this didn’t help? What if Ushijima ended up mocking him? It was also strange that he felt the need to tell his problems to someone he used to call his rival, but not his own best friend. Was this really what he wanted or was this just him feeling desperate and latching onto the first person who seemed to understand? More unanswerable questions were being brought up and Oikawa could feel the panic rising within him, when his phone went off.

`> Ushijima: Alright. I’m done. Did you come up with something you wanted to talk about?`

He thought for a moment and sighed. There was no turning back.

`> me: yeah i did`

`> it’s...heavy though`

`> so if you don’t want to, i get it`

`> you don’t even need to respond either`

`> i think i just need to get this out.`

`> Ushijima: Of course. Whatever you need.`

`> me: that first night i texted you`

`> i said that i was tired and that i wanted to go home`

`> and you said you understood`

`> that you knew how i felt`

`> i’ve thought about that a lot`

`> it’s part of why i started talking to you more`

`> bc i was curious`

`> i get it if you don’t want to answer but i’m curious`

`> are you happy?`

`> bc i’m not`

`> i’m miserable`

`> i’m so miseable`

`> and i feel like i shouldn’t be`

`> feel like i can’t be`

`> i feel like i have everything and everyone expects me to be happy`

`> and it makes me feel like i have to be happy`

`> but i’m not happy`

`> i’m not happy at all`

`> and i hate it`

`> hate myself`

`> why can’t i be happy?`

`> m i going crazy?`

`> Ushijima: No, you’re not because I have felt the same way before.`

`> During my third year, I felt the same way that you did. I was captain and ace. Our team was the best. I was doing well academically. Schools and teams were already trying to scout me. And yet, I found myself feeling empty inside. I felt like I was missing something. There were times it felt like a chore to go to practice and I wondered if I even liked volleyball anymore, if it was even the right choice for me. I wondered if I had wasted all this time for nothing.`

Oikawa was now sitting up, breathing heavily. He could feel tears welling up already and knew he would be a mess by the time he’d try to go to bed.

`> me: what did you do?`

`> Ushijima: I started by trying to figure out what was causing these feelings. I knew I had depression. I mentioned before that my parents are divorced, so sadly, I had seen it manifest in my father when I was younger. He tried to pretend like it was alright when I was around, but I believe I always knew that something wasn’t right between him and my mother.`

`> For me, I figured out that my depression most likely stemmed from my family. As mentioned, I started playing volleyball because of my father. He saw worth in the fact that I am left-handed and it was him that made my mother’s family see that as well. However, that would eventually go against me because once they realized my potential, they made sure that if I were to do something they originally deemed useless, I was to be the best because only the best volleyball players were worthy of anything. I can say wholeheartedly that I love volleyball and I loved it when I was younger as well. If my family wanted me to do anything, threatening me with no volleyball was the way to do it.`

`> However, like I said, somehow, volleyball lost its luster for me and it wasn’t until after some time that I realized that while I love volleyball and while I am proud of what I accomplished, none of it felt like my choice. I only wanted to love and play volleyball. My father may have instilled the idea of a strong volleyball player in me, but it was really the rest of my family that pushed me towards it, if only to show off to others. I felt like the only reason I was here was because they wanted me to be here, not because I wanted to be here. I only wanted to be someone that my team trusted, and they did, but it didn’t feel like it was because of my doing.`

`> I was worried then. It was my last year at Shiratorizawa. I should’ve been excited. It was my last chance to show everyone what I could do and my team trusted me to get them to Nationals, but once I realized how hollow I felt, I wasn’t so sure if I could anymore. I confided in Tendou, who gave me endless support, and while he did help, it wasn’t enough to make it go away. Not because he wasn’t trying, but because, try as one might, you can’t love away someone’s illnesses.`

`> Surprisingly, it was losing to Karasuno that helped me. That match reminded me of my love for volleyball, but also, showed me just how much my team still trusted in me. I was arrogant and immature during that match. I made mistakes with my character that allowed Karasuno to win, and yet, all of my teammates still trusted and believed in me, even though I feel they had no reason to do so. Seeing that made me realize that while we didn’t win, while that wouldn’t make me the best in my family’s eyes, I did accomplish the goal I set out for myself when I first started volleyball and that was to be a strong player that could be trusted. Realizing that helped me love volleyball again because I was doing it for myself now and no one else.`

`> me: wow`

`> i wasn’t expecting any of this tbh`

`> that was a lot that you shared just now`

`> Ushijima: I’m sorry if it was all too much.`

`> me: no no! its okay!`

`> i just neveer realized that you were going through all that`

`> and i was so shitty to you back then too`

`> Ushijima: It’s alright. You didn’t know and it’s all in the past now.`

`> me: still i was really shitty to you and you’re still helping me now`

`> i’m so sorry`

`> and now you’re here being super nice to me too`

`> Ushijima: Once again, it’s alright. I am much better now, hence why I’m willing to share all of this with you. Also, I did so to make sure you knew that you aren’t alone in all of this. I know it can be difficult, but you will get through this.`

`> me: right`

`> so then what do i do now?`

`> Ushijima: Like I mentioned earlier, try to find the cause of it and know that for some people, the source may not be external, but internal. Some people do have a hormonal imbalance that causes depression. For you, I believe it may have come from your move to Argentina. While it is a big opportunity, it’s also a very big change, having left behind all that you know for something entirely unfamiliar, while also being completely alone, in a sense. Of course, this is only speculation from what you’ve told me, so look inside yourself first.`

`> Talking to someone about it helps as well, so thank you for honoring me with your concerns. As someone who isn’t good with words, I know how difficult it can be to talk about one’s feelings and vulnerabilities. You should also consider looking into getting professional help. People often think that going to therapy means you’re mentally disturbed or that you’re crazy, but that is not the case. Everyone can benefit from going to therapy every once in a while, so look into that as well. Once I was able to leave home that was something I did. I don’t go as often as I did before, but I still go, even if it’s just to check in with my therapist.`

`> Ultimately, it takes time to get better. It doesn’t happen overnight, but one day, you’ll get there.`

`> me: but what if i don’t? what if i don’t get better? what if i’m never happy? what if i’m never okay? what then?`

`> Ushijima: You will. You told me that you want to be happy. You reached out to me because you want to be happy, you want to be okay. It is in our nature to live. I know how stubborn and hard-working you are, so I know you will do everything you can to try and get better. You will get better. You deserve to get better.`

As he had predicted, Oikawa was now a grossly sobbing mess, but he didn’t care one bit. Never in his entire life has he been so grateful to be crying. The tears that fell heavy down his face each carried a part of the burden that he had been lifting for what felt like an eternity. Each one of them relieved him of the empty weight that plagued him endlessly. All of them a reminder that there was hope and that there was someone out there who understood him, understood his struggling, understood his suffering. The originally terrifying idea of someone out there seeing him at what felt like his weakest now felt like the most freeing thing he could’ve ever done.

`> me: thank you ushijima`

`> thank you for everything`

`> you have no idea how much this means to me`

`> just listening wouldve been more than enough`

`> but you did so much more than that`

`> Ushijima: You’re welcome. I hope that you can begin your journey towards your new self now. Please know that I am here, if you need anything.`

`> me: thank you again`

`> i think i should let you carry on with your day`

`> i’m sure you have plenty to do on your day off`

`> i think i’ll try and sleep now too`

`> ttyl`

`> Ushijima: Good night, Oikawa. I hope you get some rest.`

And he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> If you enjoyed what you read, it would be greatly appreciated if you could reblog or like this fic's corresponding tumblr post, found [here.](https://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/post/613133005397147648/sleepless-ch-4) Leaving a comment or kudos would be greatly appreciated as well!
> 
> [dangcommaannie.tumblr.com](http://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Updates](http://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/tagged/annie-writes-updates)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > _We suffer the same condition  
>  Love_
> 
> \- No Different by Epik High 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are picking up. I feel like this chapter and the next will feel a bit rushed, but remember that this is over the span of a couple of months and not weeks. This is all leading up to our happy ending, so don't worry.
> 
> For now, I hope you're all safe and I hope you enjoy.

`> me: ushi-chaaaannnn!!`

`> idk what to do!!!! ( ･ั﹏･ั)`

`> what if it goes badly?`

`> Ushijima: It won’t and if it does, you are more than capable of handling it. There’s no doubt in my mind that you will be able to find another alternative.`

`> me: but im scared!! (ノдヽ)`

`> what if they’re mean?!`

`> what if they kick me off the team?`

`> Ushijima: Oikawa, you are an invaluable volleyball player. They will not kick you off the team for going to therapy, just like how they won’t kick you off for simply having a cold.`

`> me: ushi-chaaaaannnn!!!`

`> Ushijima: Oikawa`

`> me: im serious ushi chan!`

`> im jut really worried!`

`> Ushijima: I understand your concerns. It’s normal to be worried about something like this. You will be alright. You’ve made it this far and you can make it further.`

`> me: i hate you`

`> Ushijima: I’m sorry?`

`> me: i said i hate you!`

`> you and your dumb super niceness!`

`> Ushijima: I am confused.`

`> me: nvm`

`> dont worry about it`

`> i dont hate you`

`> anyways if it does go badly`

`> will you come to san juan and figtht for my honor?`

`> Ushijima: If that’s what you want and I have time, then yes, I can do that for you.`

`> me: fsdkljasdf`

`> once again, you and your dumb super niceness`

`> fine i guess ill go then`

`> wish me luck?`

`> Ushijima: I don’t believe you need luck, but alright. Good luck, Oikawa. I’ll be here after practice if you need to talk.`

`> me: thanks`

Oikawa sighed and looked up at the doors to the gym. His teeth worried at his bottom lip incessantly and he was suddenly reminded of when he first arrived in Argentina.

When he awoke that day, it was without fatigue. He wasn’t exactly all sunshine and rainbows either, but he didn’t dread the thought of getting out of bed, brushing his teeth, eating breakfast, and heading to practice. He felt content, relieved even, as he first got on the bus, but as he thought more and more about it, the more his worries grew and it wasn’t long before he was texting Ushijima again, knowing fully well that he was likely asleep already. It seemed like Ushijima was starting to get to know Oikawa better as well though, so he responded in what seemed like an instant after his first frantic text. It didn’t take long for him to calm him back down, but thinking about what he wanted to do and actually doing it were too different things.

No, I can’t stop now. I can do it. I will do it!

Steeling himself, Oikawa finally managed to open the doors. For some reason, he felt like everyone was suddenly aware of how fucked up he was and how he was going to need therapy, but in reality, no one was none the wiser. Instead, his teammates all greeted him happily when he arrived and his shoulders relaxed as Nacho gave him a pat on the back.

Maybe...it’ll be okay after all...

There was still some time before practice began, so Oikawa knew this was the time for him to go and talk to his coach. Being on a professional team, he knew they had specific doctors and physical therapists that they liked for players to go to, in order to keep consistent, and because they would have a better understanding of the team and any injuries that occured. He wasn’t certain if the same would apply to mental health, but to his surprise, his coach wasn’t.

“Oh yeah, that’s no problem at all.”

“Really?”

His coach chuckled. “I don’t know how it was back in Japan, but going to therapy is pretty common here. Most of the team goes to therapy for a variety of reasons. It’s something that can benefit everyone, so it’s normal here.”

Oikawa nodded, dumbfounded. “Oh. I never realized.”

His coach smiled and clapped a hand on his shoulder. “There are a lot of therapists here, so don’t worry. We’ll help you find one. We have a couple for the team, so they’re used to all the sports talk, but I’m sure we can find you one that speaks Japanese, if that’ll be easier.”

“That would be great,” said Oikawa, giving a bow. He heard his coach chuckle again, but he didn’t care. “Thank you.”

“No problem. We can talk about the details later, but for now, you should go get warmed up with the others.”

Oikawa nodded firmly and jogged back over to where the others were now stretching. A content smile was on his face for the duration of practice. He felt revitalized, he felt like he could breathe again, he felt like he was actually practicing and not moving on his own, and if the simple act of being able to come clean about his problems and finding a potential solution for them could do so much for him, he could only imagine how he’d feel when he’s actually better. He went home that day, still smiling, and was happily greeted with a text from Ushijima, furthering his joy.

The next few months for Oikawa passed by in a blink of an eye, a welcome change in comparison to how his first few months went. Like Ushijima had suggested, therapy did help him greatly. It hadn’t started out great though and Oikawa had struggled with opening up. There were still days where he wasn’t great, of course, and days where he felt like he was moving backwards. But even so, he knew he was making progress, slow as it may seem to him. He was starting to sleep more. Like, actually sleep. His sleepless nights were beginning to dwindle and he began to feel more energized. He started talking more to his teammates, trying to hangout with them more often as well. He even went out and got himself a plant to take care of and like Ushijima had said, it gave him something to do and worry about other than himself.

But something else he noticed was that after their heart-to-heart that one night, it was obvious to Oikawa that his relationship with Ushijima had drastically changed. Before, he may still have been a little reluctant to call Ushijima his friend, but now, he could say it confidently. Not only that, with how much they shared and knew about each other, Ushijima had quickly become one of his closest friends. Nowhere near his relationship with Iwaizumi, of course, but not any less important, given how much he’s impacted his life.

It was still odd to think that he used to hate Ushijima with every fiber of his being, but he welcomed the change greatly, especially since so much good had come from it. While his therapy sessions were going well, there was still much that he was anxious about, particularly on his days where he felt like he was going backwards, days where he found himself growing empty again. But throughout all of this, all of his crying, all of his sleepless nights, Ushijima was always there. His presence was steadfast in Oikawa’s life now, nearly always there when he needed him, and the bluntness that he once considered harsh before was now refreshing and needed whenever he felt himself falling into a rut. It was hard for him to imagine having to go through all of this without Ushijima supporting him every step of the way.

So with how essential Ushijima’s presence was in his life and growth, Oikawa really shouldn’t have been surprised when his therapist mentioned the possibility that he may feel more than just friendship for him.

“You mean, like, best friends?” had joked Oikawa. “You know Iwa-chan is my best friend. I’ve told you this before.”

“And we both know that I know you’re smarter than that.”

Oikawa said nothing more on the topic and his therapist didn’t push during the rest of the session, but the seed had been planted in his mind already.

There was no way he’d be in love with Ushijima. Not a chance. They only just became friends after all. The idea that he now liked Ushijima more than that made no sense. It was all too quick, too soon, too much.

Or was it?

That night, Oikawa found himself sleepless again, this time about Ushijima. Was what he felt for him love? Truthfully, he would say yes. Maybe not outloud, but Oikawa knew that he loved Ushijima to some extent and he was certain that Ushijima at least felt that much for him too. They were friends, after all, and you can’t not form some kind of affection after all that they’ve been through and all that they’ve shared with each other.

But was it romantic love, like what his therapist had suggested? Oikawa wasn’t sure. From their conversations, surprisingly, all that he knew about Ushijima’s past relationships was that there were none, while he, on the other hand, has had his fair share throughout high school. It wouldn’t be hard to assume that he would have some idea of what love was, but really, he didn’t. All those girls and the few guys that he dated had all asked him out first. He didn’t even know who most of them were when he accepted, simply thinking that it was what he had to do. It was nice and fun being in a relationship. He was young and living his life, but had he felt any real affection, any real love? Looking back now, he knew that the answer was no, he didn’t.

So really, Oikawa couldn’t even be sure if what he was feeling was romantic love or not because he didn’t even know what romantic love was to begin with.

But the worst part about all of this was that he couldn’t even call Ushijima to talk to him about it.

Frustrated still, Oikawa reached for his phone and called the only other person he knew would answer him at any time.

“Hey, Shittykawa, it’s been awhile,” came the familiar voice. “How have you been? You doing alright? I was starting to actually miss your whining.”

“Iwa-chan…”

“Hey,” Iwaizumi said, softer this time. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Oikawa sighed. “I’ve been thinking…”

“Yeah.”

“And I’m-” Another sigh. “I don’t know, Iwa-chan. I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know, Oikawa? I can’t help you, if I don’t know either.”

He let out a deep breath. “So therapy has been great. I told you this before.”

“Uh-huh.”

“It’s really been helping me work through a lot of problems, but…

“But?”

“But...when I was there yesterday, my therapist mentioned something to me and I...I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“What did they say?”

Oikawa sighed, biting his lip with worry. “They think...that I may have...romantic feelings for someone.”

“Okay.”

“And that someone is...Ushijima.”

“Alright” he said calmly, “and how are you feeling about that?”

Oikawa groaned. “I don’t know. I really don’t know.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I mean, would it even make sense for me to love him in that way to begin with?”

“Honestly? Yeah,” came the answer.

“What?”

“I didn’t want to bring it up because first off, I wasn’t 100% sure, but also, I figured that if it were true, you’d be smart enough to figure it out too. But yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

Oikawa said nothing, letting Iwaizumi know he could continue.

“Ever since you and Ushijima started talking, you haven’t stopped talking about him, to be honest. That’s not a bad thing, of course. He’s helped you get through all of this and I’m thankful for it. But also, whenever I ask you how you’re doing, the conversation usually opens with you telling me about what dog he sent you that day.”

Oikawa scoffed. “I don’t do it  _ that _ often! I’ll have you know he sent me a cat today and  _ not _ a dog!”

“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that then,” Iwaizumi deadpanned. “Anyway, my point is that you two are a lot closer than you think you are and if you ever decide that you want to move on from friends to lovers, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

He frowned. “But how do I even know if I love him or not? I talk about you all the time too, but that doesn’t mean I want us to go out. You know my track record with relationships isn’t the best, so what makes you and my therapist so sure that that’s how I feel about Ushijima?”

“Well, we’ll start with the obvious then. Do you want to go out with him?”

Oikawa paused.  _ Did _ he want to go out with Ushijima?

“I don’t know,” he finally said. “Maybe? I mean.” He groaned. “I wouldn’t hate it, but I don’t know if I would love it. But also, I don’t know.”

“Alright, so that didn’t help much.”

Oikawa rolled his eyes.

“Let’s start easier then. Do you want to spend time with him?”

“Well, yeah, we’re friends. I haven’t seen him since high school and we hated each other then. But now we don’t and he told me he knew about this cool planetarium, so yes, I want to spend time with him.”

“Okay, that’s good. Do you talk about him a lot?”

He scoffed again. “You know I do. You just told me so.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Iwaizumi growled. “I mean, do you feel like you talk about him a lot? And in a good way, not like the trash talk we did in high school.”

Oikawa paused and thought about it again. Looking back now, he did talk about him a lot. Obviously, he brought him up enough times during therapy for his therapist to think that he was important. But thinking about his teammates as well, he realized it wasn’t uncommon for him to mention “his volleyball friend in Japan” when they were around or when they caught him on his phone.

“Yeah, I think I do talk about him a lot.”

“Uh-huh and do you think about him a lot too?”

Oikawa already knew that he did. He knew he hadn’t stopped ever since they first started talking. He knew he could easily use the excuse that Ushijima has been the one supporting him through all of this bullshit, but he knew Iwaizumi would see right through it.

“Yeah,” came the half-whispered reply, “I do think about him a lot.”

“Do you wish you could see him?”

He gulped, mouth suddenly growing dry. “I mean, I want to see you too, Iwa-chan,” he joked.

“Oikawa.”

“Yes,” he grumbled. “I do. But only to see if he’s actually any different from high school.”

“Do you look forward to talking to him?”

“Yes,” he said through gritted teeth. “He’s my friend.”

“Do you like him?”

“I do because he’s my friend.”

“Do you love him?”

“As a friend.”

Iwaizumi cleared his throat and Oikawa knew he was giving him a pointed look. He wasn’t going to admit to anything if Iwaizumi wasn’t going to either, but the pounding in his chest was undeniable.

“Well then,” Iwaizumi said, “whether you actually say it or not, I think it’s pretty clear what the answer is.”

Oikawa let out a frustrated groan. “Iwa-chan, this was stupid! All of those things you asked me could apply to us too!”

“Okay, then, let me ask you this. Do you want to go out with me?”

“Ew. Gross. No.” His face wrinkled in displeasure. “What the fuck? You’re practically my brother.”

“Great. Same,” replied Iwaizumi. “But now, let me ask you this again. Do you want to go out with Ushijima?”

“I-”

He froze. The words wouldn’t leave him. A part of Oikawa wanted to say that no, he would never want to go out with Ushijima, but a stronger part of him kept him from actually saying it. He ran the words over in his mind, mouthed along as he tried to say them, but he felt his voice failing him, his tongue growing heavy and bitter at the prospect of actually having to say that he didn’t want to go out with Ushijima.

Instead, he let out a strangled gasp.

“Iwa-chan, I-”

“You don’t have to say it,” his best friend said gently. “I already know and I think you do too.”

“Iwa-chan.”

“I think you should maybe tell yourself this first, take some time to process this, and then, if you can, maybe tell Ushijima too.”

Oikawa didn’t say anything. He barely comprehended Iwaizumi telling him goodbye and hanging up. His mind kept running through the entire conversation they had and all the points that Iwaizumi had pointed out.

Was it really that simple? Was it really that obvious? Was it really that clear?

The truth was a terrifying thing. It was amazing how it was what had helped him lift the weight off his chest, but then brought it back tenfold. Oikawa didn’t sleep again that night, heart heavy with the realization that he now knew what love felt like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your support!  
> If you enjoyed what you read, it would be greatly appreciated if you could reblog or like this fic's corresponding tumblr post, found [here.](https://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/post/613759157465743360/sleepless-ch-5) Leaving a comment or kudos would be greatly appreciated as well!
> 
> [dangcommaannie.tumblr.com](http://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Updates](http://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/tagged/annie-writes-updates)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > _Fuck ‘em all, man I hate this_  
>  _Tomorrow, today and yesterday get mixed up_  
>  _My memories are random-access_  
>  _Always overloading_  
> 
> 
> \- Rain Again Tomorrow by Epik High 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter already. On the shorter side, but the next one will be longer.
> 
> Hope y'all are still doing alright.

Ushijima texted Oikawa like usual that morning and he was conflicted.

Rationaly, he knew that him coming to terms with his feelings didn’t mean that Ushijima knew too, but it still made him feel raw and exposed, as if Ushijima somehow did know and wasn’t telling him for formality’s sake. Even so, Oikawa still found himself trying to avoid talking to Ushijima less and less. He didn’t bother making up excuses though, knowing that the two of them were mature enough to understand that one doesn’t need to be in constant communication.

But a few days later, midway through a conversation on the lack of milk bread in Argentina, Ushijima decided enough was enough and asked what was going on. Oikawa didn’t think he was being obvious, but this time around, he made up another excuse about being busy and it seemed to satiate Ushijima for the time being. The whole exchange only bothered him even more though because of how sincere Ushijima was in his concern, reminding him that it’s okay to talk to him and that he doesn’t if he doesn’t want to and to remember not to overwork himself.

It made his heart swell and ache painfully within his chest.

Realizing that the man he fell for was just too sweet, Oikawa tried his best to talk to Ushijima normally again, especially since he knew he couldn’t keep this whole charade up for long. He turned to Iwaizumi for help, unsure of how to really act like how he used to, and his best friend had simply said, “Get your head out of your ass and just fucking talk to him, you dumbass,” so Oikawa took that to mean that he should try and find out if Ushijima felt the same way that he did.

`> me: ushi-chaaaaaannn!!!`

`> i have a qustion for uuuuuu (⊃‿⊂)`

`> Ushijima: Yes?`

`> me: we never tlk about relatoinships`

`> so tell me abot yours`

`> (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧`

`> Ushijima: I’ve mentioned in the past that I don’t have much experience when it comes to relationships, so I’m uncertain of what there is to talk about.`

Yeah. Nailed it.

`> me: well yeah iknow that`

`> but like`

`> u dont have to be in relationshipt o like someone`

`> so tell me`

`> gimme all the hot gossip`

`> im gonna sell it to the tabloids and make bank!!`

`> [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]`

`> jk`

`> but really tho`

`> im curious`

`> so tell me`

`> Ushijima: There’s not really much to share, Oikawa. I am, as you said, boring.`

`> me: ヽ(｀⌒´)ﾉ`

`> you know i was only kidding when i said that!!`

`> idk`

`> you and tendou are close aren’t you`

`> like really close`

`> you ever feel anything for him?`

`> you love him?`

`> surely you must have`

`> Ushijima: Yes, Tendou’s my best friend, so we are very close, much like you and Iwaizumi. He is probably the first person I could safely call my friend as well. I do love him, but only as a friend.`

Oikawa let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

`> me: oh yeah ok then i get that`

`> well then`

`> have you eve rbeen in love then?`

`> anyone that you liked?`

`> i know your mr. volleyball 24/7`

`> but like`

`> im sure someone tried to ask you out at some point`

`> bet the star ace of the team had everyone all over him`

`> Ushijima: I did have my fair share of people asking me out during high school, but I was not interested in any of them. There is someone that I was interested in back then, but they did not care for me and I respected that. Recently, we’ve become closer though and while I don’t believe I have a chance, it is nice being on friendly terms with them.`

Oikawa felt his heart drop in his chest, only further confirming his feelings for Ushijima. Of course Ushijima would have someone that he liked. Of course there must have been someone that caught his eye before. He was human after all, but he bet the person that he liked was as perfect as how Oikawa saw Ushijima now. He knew he shouldn’t ask, knew it would only add to his pain, but he knew it would have seemed odd if he stopped talking now. So while he didn’t want to, Oikawa continued typing.

`> me: ooooooo`

`> tell me more about them`

`> how’d you meet?`

`> why didn’t they like you?`

`> were you a grumpy butt to them too?`

`> lol`

`> Ushijima: We met through volleyball. I thought they were an exceptional player, but then I was, like you said, “a grumpy butt” towards them. It wasn’t my intention to offend, of course, but I was uncertain of how to voice my appreciation to them.`

`> me: of couse you would`

`> tell me more`

`> Ushijima: Like I said, I first noticed them on the court. I admired their skills greatly, but as I got to learn more about them, I realized that they were also incredibly hard-working and ambitious, to the point of harm, even, and it made me want to care for them.`

`> me: maybe thats why you like taking care or plants now`

`>Ushijima: Perhaps.`

`> Continuing, their team also respected them greatly. Some people would have considered them arrogant, but they are an amazing volleyball player, so I considered them to be rightfully confident instead. However, since we’ve gotten closer, I know that they have their fair share of worries as well, but that only makes me like them even more. It was a hope of mine for us to play together one day, but that never happened. Perhaps in the future, especially now that we get along better, but I have given up having high hopes and am content with what we currently have.`

Oikawa chuckled bitterly. He felt a tear slip down his face, but made no move to wipe it away, not wanting to acknowledge it.

`> me: lol sounds like your just describing me ushi-chan`

`> jk jk`

`> i know you dont feel that way about me`

`> they sound great tho`

`> i can tell you really love them`

`> Ushijima: I do.`

`> me: theyre lucky you do`

`> and they are a fool for not realizing otherwise`

`> Ushijima: And you, Oikawa? Is there someone like that for you?`

He inhaled sharply.

`> me: yes there is`

`> but nvm that`

`> i hope that one day you can find someone worthy of your feelings`

`> Ushijima: I hope the same for you, Oikawa.`

`> I’m heading into practice now. I will talk to you later then.`

`> me: yea`

`> sounds good`

`> night!`

`> Ushijima: Good night, Oikawa.`

Oikawa tossed his phone aside and immediately curled up on his bed, knees hugged to his chest as he tried to muffle his sobs.

Of course there was someone else. Of course there was someone better. Ushijima deserved better than him anyway.

He cried until he was exhausted, well into the night, eyes stinging. Oikawa knew that this was an option when he finally came to terms with his feelings, but he hadn’t expected it to hurt this much, to hurt so badly, to hurt so much more than how he had when they first started talking.

How can love be like this?

And just when he thought he was getting better, Oikawa awoke to find that nothing had changed at all.

Wake up. Bus. Practice. Bus. Apartment. Sleep.   
Wake up. Bus. Practice. Bus. Apartment. Sleep.   
Wake up. Bus. Practice. Bus. Apartment. Sleep.

This time around though, there was no Ushijima to help him.

Just him.

Alone. Like always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your support!  
> If you enjoyed what you read, it would be greatly appreciated if you could reblog or like this fic's corresponding tumblr post, found [here.](https://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/post/614396379595472896/sleepless-ch-6) Leaving a comment or kudos would be greatly appreciated as well!
> 
> [dangcommaannie.tumblr.com](http://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Updates](http://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/tagged/annie-writes-updates)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > _Good night_
> 
> \- Lullaby for a Cat by Epik High 

`> Ushijima: I know you mentioned that you would be coming back to Japan next week. Coincidentally, I, too, have a break and will be using it to return to Miyagi for a bit. It would be nice for us to meet up.`

The text mocked Oikawa as he stared at it longer and longer.

A few sleepless weeks had passed since Oikawa learned that Ushijima was interested in someone else. During that time, his therapist and Iwaizumi encouraged him to try and talk to Ushijima again, to actually confirm what was really going on, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Not yet. Maybe not ever.

Instead though, he tried to push on, tried to act normal again. Reminding himself that if Ushijima could be content without the person he loved not returning his feelings, he could too.

How bitter and ironic that the person he loved was both helping and hurting him.

It wasn’t too bad, he supposed. It was getting easier to manage, getting easier to numb himself and force his feelings aside. They were an ocean away from each other, so it wasn’t like Oikawa was stuck constantly surrounded by Ushijima’s presence. He didn’t have to see him every day. It was a bit difficult trying to get himself to stop associating everything he saw with something that Ushijima had said, but at least he could hang up the phone, at least he could not read his texts. So while he was surrounded by Ushijima, he could stop it all.

But then this happened and Oikawa broke.

He called Iwaizumi frantically enough that his best friend nearly thought he was actually dying and in a way, it felt like he was. Texting and calling Ushijima after all this time was one thing, but actually seeing each other was another. He couldn’t hide himself in person. He couldn’t stop himself in person.

And Oikawa wasn’t sure if he’d be able to handle that.

Voicing his concerns to Iwaizumi and his therapist, they both essentially said the same thing. While he couldn’t exactly cancel his trip back home, he should at least consider the option of seeing Ushijima. He was already heading back to Miyagi and Ushijima was there as well. It would be nice for the two of them to meet, maybe even helpful, but they understood his reluctance. He didn’t have to meet up with Ushijima and could make up an excuse about already having plans, but ultimately, they felt it wasn’t a bad idea for him to finally meet up with Ushijima and truthfully, he knew they were right.

Which is how Oikawa now found himself waiting outside a café.

Usually one to show up fashionably late, he found himself too nervous to sit around at his home and ended up showing up thirty minutes early, so he could be nervous at the café. Oikawa’s heart was beating wildly in his chest and he kept checking his phone, half-hoping that maybe Ushijima would cancel and they wouldn’t have to meet. He knew it was unlikely and he didn’t actually want it to happen, but he just wanted something to finally calm him down.

A group of girls sat down at the table next to him and he could hear them giggling, likely looking in his direction. Not wanting to be rude, he flashed them a quick smile, but then turned away, doing his best to calm himself as the minutes passed by one by one. The latte he had ordered earlier was likely cold, but at this rate, he didn’t care, especially since the caffeine would only make him feel even worse.

What if he doesn’t like me? What if this is a mistake? What if he somehow knows I love him? What if we stop being friends? What if he doesn’t actually want to see me? What if-

“Oikawa, hello.”

He gasped and jumped up, eyes going wide as he came face to face with Ushijima. When had he even arrived? His mouth went dry as he eyed him up and down, taking in the sight of him in jeans and a red flannel shirt. His face was as stoic as ever, but it was then that he realized this was the first time that he had ever seen Ushijima outside of sportswear and he looked...really good. And Oikawa couldn’t tell if that was because he had never noticed before or if it was because of his newfound affection for him.

“Ushi-chan, hi!” Oikawa finally managed to squeak out. He moved to hug him, but Ushijima remained stiff in his arms. Thinking he did something wrong, he pulled away quickly and forced his signature smile onto his face. “Glad to finally see you!”

“Likewise,” Ushijima nodded. He gestured to the table that Oikawa was sitting at and the pair sat down. The silence between them was palpable and Oikawa was starting to think this was a terrible idea after all.

“Soooo…” he said before taking a sip from his cold coffee. “How have you...been….?”

“Fine.”

“...”

“...”

“Good. That’s good to hear, Ushi-chan.”

“And you, Oikawa?”

“I’m fine as well. Thank you for asking.”

“Good.”

“Are you gonna...order anything?”

“I’m alright. Thank you.”

“...”

“...”

Another sip.

“I’m really sorry-”

“Oikawa, I must apologize-”

The two of them stared at each other curiously.

“Wait, why are you apologizing?” asked Oikawa. 

“I’m apologizing for making things uncomfortable between us,” Ushijima replied. “We both know I’m not good with words, so while speaking through text messages and the occasional phone call has been fine has been, meeting in person again is...not my strong suit.” Oikawa caught sight of his hands gripping his jeans tightly. “I am...very nervous.”

“What, no! I should be the one apologizing, not you. I’m sorry that  _ I’m _ really nervous and making things awkward right now.”

“I see.”

The two of them stared at each other for a beat before Oikawa couldn’t stop the giggling from escaping him. He could’ve sworn he saw Ushijima smile a bit too.

“God, we’re so dumb,” he finally said. Oikawa shook his head and looked up at Ushijima. He sighed, knowing that he likely looked like a lovesick fool, but that didn’t matter now. What mattered was that he was finally getting to meet the friend who had stood steadfast by his side these past few months and finally able to fully clear the slate between them. What mattered was that Oikawa could finally thank him. The emotions could wait.

“Maybe we should try this again…”

Ushijima’s brow furrowed in confusion, but he nodded, and watched as Oikawa took a deep breath and held out his hand for him to shake.

“Hi, Ushi-chan!” he greeted cheerfully. “I’m glad we could finally meet again and as friends this time. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me.”

Ushijima took his hand and shook it firmly. Oikawa nearly died right then and there when he felt the warmth of his hand in his. Oh yeah, he was in really deep now.

“Likewise, Oikawa. I’m glad we could meet on much better terms now and I’m glad I can call you my friend.”

“Same.”

Oikawa smiled warmly at Ushijima and was surprised to see Ushijima do the same, albeit it was a small one.

“Ah. That’s right. I brought you something.”

Oikawa quirked an eyebrow and watched as Ushijima held up a small gift bag to him. He doesn’t know how he failed to notice it earlier, seeing as how it was a familiar teal and decorated with a carefully tied ribbon. He gave Ushijima a questioning look and the other nodded, silently telling him to go ahead and open it. His jaw dropped when he saw what it was and carefully pulled it out. Just when he thought he was good at pushing aside his feelings.

“Did you bring me milk bread?”

Ushijima nodded. “I did. You mentioned the lack of milk bread in Argentina, so I thought I would try and make you some.”

“You made this?” he asked. “For me?”

“Yes.” Ushijima cleared his throat and looked away shyly. “I am...not sure if it is any good, but I hope you enjoy it.”

Oikawa clutched the small loaf of fluffy bread close to his chest, as if trying to comfort his beating heart. He supposed he must have looked like he was about to cry because Ushijima’s expression transformed into one of worry.

“Are you alright? Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” came his whispered response. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” He looked down at the milk bread in his hands and looked back up. “This is just the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Though, I was only doing what I believed friends did for each other.”

Right. Friends. Oikawa forgot about that. They’re just friends.

Remembering where they were, Oikawa cleared his throat and gave his thanks again. He then reached over and gave Ushijima a small shove, nose scrunched up in displeasure as he pouted.

“Dumb Ushi-chan going around and doing stuff like this.”

“I’m sorry?”

Oikawa laughed and shook his head. “I just mean you’re always so nice to me when you should be saving it for that person you like.”

“Ah. I see.”

Ushijima nodded to himself and Oikawa couldn’t but think about how endearing he looked as he processed what was just said. He then put the milk bread back in the bag and finished up the rest of his coffee.

“Alright! I’m done here!” he declared. He stood up and pulled Ushijima up with him as well. “Let’s go somewhere else, so I can buy you a gift now!”

“Oikawa, you don’t have to buy me anything.”

“But I want to! So we’re going!”

Oikawa dragged Ushijima down the street with him. His arm remained looped through Ushijima’s arm, but the other made no move to remove him. It felt more intimate than it should have and Oikawa did his best to remain calm.

The café they had met up at was nearby some local shops in town, so they wandered from store to store as Oikawa tried to find the perfect gift to get for Ushijima. They came across a bookstore first, but that quickly divulged into a two hour long escapade as they pulled their favorite books from the shelves and shared them with each other. They went to a sports store next, so of course, they spent a few more hours there before Oikawa dragged them out after realizing that he would end up buying everything, if they didn’t stop now. A small plant shop was next and it was now Ushijima’s turn to be tempted into buying everything. More time was spent there as Ushijima took the time to talk about all the plants in the store as Oikawa listened closely to all that he had to share.

Throughout all of this, Oikawa couldn’t help but notice how natural it felt to be with Ushijima, despite their rocky greeting. The past conflicts they had before were erased, now that Oikawa understood Ushijima and how he communicated. He wasn’t silent to be rude, but because he was either unsure of what to say or didn’t feel the need to say more than necessary. He wasn’t blunt to be mean, but would rather be honest and say what he thought instead. He wasn’t always blank and expressionless, but was more subtle in his expressions.

Not only that, with how long they had been talking to each other and how intimately they knew each other, Oikawa felt as if they had known each other a thousand lifetimes over, the sort of feeling reserved for lovers. Normally quite talkative, Oikawa now found himself not needing to say anything during their moments of silence. He often felt the need to explain himself or be indirect when speaking, yet around Ushijima, he was content to let his words be. No need to over explain. No need to be subtle.

And the realization of how well they fit with each other made the end of the day taste even more bitter. The day passed by in a flash and they found themselves at the café once again, sun setting behind them. There was a silence between them that neither wanted to break just yet.

“Well, I suppose this is where we depart, Oikawa,” Ushijima finally said.

“Yeah, I guess so.” Oikawa sighed and looked down at the bag in his hands, clutching it tightly. “Sorry I didn’t get you anything.”

Ushijima gave a small shrug. “That’s alright. Getting to spend the day with you was more than enough.”

Oikawa gave him a joking shove, but inside, his heart ached as he heard those words. How dare he be so honest and genuine with everything? Sighing, he forced a smile onto his face.

“Guess this is goodbye for now, Ushi-chan.” He moved to hug Ushijima and this time, he returned the gesture. Oikawa closed his eyes, doing his best to memorize his embrace. He pulled away reluctantly, but continued to try and smile. “I’ll see you around, Ushi-chan. Be sure to text me everyday, okay?”

“I will,” came the response. “I will see you on your next visit as well.”

Giving him one last wave, Oikawa turned and began walking away. He could hear Ushijima walking away behind him and when he felt they were far enough apart, he let his shoulders and smile fall. He brought the bag of milk bread up to his chest, holding onto it like a lifeline. He was just about ready to start crying when Ushijima called out to him.

“Oikawa, wait.” He turned around, quickly schooling his expression, and caught sight of Ushijima jogging back towards him. He stopped in front of him, brow furrowed, before nodding firmly. “I...actually have something else to give to you and I would like to preface this by saying that I completely understand if you do not accept it.”

Oikawa raised an eyebrow in confusion. “I’m sure I’ll be happy with whatever you give me, Ushi-chan, but okay. What is it?”

“A confession.”

What?

“Oikawa Tooru, I love you.”

“What the hell are you saying?” Oikawa blurted without thinking. “Is this a joke?” Rationally, he knew Ushijima wouldn’t joke around about something like this. But it all just seemed too surreal for him to be sure.

“No, it’s not,” confirmed Ushijima. “I’ve loved you for awhile now and while I’m happy with what we currently have, I decided that if I were to confess, now would be the best time. That way if you reject my feelings, we’ll never have to see each other again.”

“But what about that other person? The one you told me about?”

Oikawa could feel himself trembling, hands somehow holding onto the bag even tighter than before. He was looking down as he tried to process what was happening, but a gentle hand loosened his fists and held it firmly, reminding him of who was there. He looked up, feeling tears welling up, to see Ushijima gazing at him softly.

“It was you. It was always you.”

Unable to contain his feelings any longer, Oikawa let out a frustrated growl and dropped the bag. His hands were clenched tightly into fists as he began hitting Ushijima's chest. He knew he was making no real impact though when Ushijima made no move to stop him. The tears finally began to fall down his face.

“Stupid, dumb Ushi-chan! I hate you so much!”

“I’m sorry. I’ll leave you alone and-”

“No! That’s not why I’m angry!” he shouted. He finally stopped hitting and pulled away. “I’m angry because this entire time, I’ve been heartbroken because I love  _ you _ and I thought you loved someone else, but it was me the entire time! You love me and you didn’t tell me!”

“I do. I love you very much and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

Oikawa gave another frustrated groan and tried to strike Ushijima’s chest one more time. It was weakened by the fact that he was fully sobbing now, so this time, Ushijima brushed his arm away and then pulled him into a hug. He knew he was making a mess of Ushijima’s shirt, but the other said nothing.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Oikawa sobbed. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“Because I was afraid,” answered Ushijima. “You didn’t like me when we were younger and when we finally became friends, I didn’t want to ruin it.”

“But then you chose now to confess?”

“I didn’t want to live with regrets. I knew it would only get worse the longer I waited. I’m sorry again.”

Oikawa took a moment to try and stop his sniffles. He leaned back, but didn’t leave Ushijima’s arms.

“But why?” he asked. “Why me? Why do you love me? I was so mean to you. I hated you. I can be stubborn and selfish. I like to complain and tease people constantly. I’m essentially a huge brat. I’m too focused on volleyball to think about anyone besides myself. And not only that, I’m depressed and sad and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m not someone you should love.”

Oikawa stared at Ushijima, trying to read his expression. Instead, he simply reached up and carefully wiped away a stray tear before reaching up to brush aside his hair. He smiled softly as he spoke.

“Technically, I have already told you why I love you,” he said. “But I suppose I should actually do it this time. I first fell in love with your skills. They came from years of hard-work and dedication. This led to your confidence on the court, which I believe is rightfully deserved. I fell in love with you more when you were willing to give me a second chance and allow us to become friends. And those feelings only grew when you trusted me with your vulnerabilities, showing, once again, how dedicated you were towards yourself.

“I think that you are brilliant and kinder than you believe yourself to be. Anyone who cares that much about their team is anything but selfish. You are vocal about your opinions and wants, which I respect greatly. While you feel like it has only been me helping you, I must confess that you have also helped me better myself as well, allowing me to learn how to better communicate and voice my own feelings. You may consider yourself sad and depressed now, but I also know how hard you have been working to change that. With that being said, I don’t believe it’s hard to understand why I love you.”

Oikawa’s crying had started up again, prompting Ushijima to pull him closer still.

“Stupid Ushi-chan,” he mumbled. “Saying all this cheesy shit and making me fall more in love with you.”

“I’m sorry.”

Oikawa shook his head. “Don’t be,” he said. “But even so, I have nothing good to offer you, Ushijima.”

“That’s alright,” said Ushijima. “I’m happy with whatever you’re willing to give me.”

“And if I changed my mind and rejected you right now?”

“If that is what you wish, then I’d be happy with what we had.”

Oikawa felt his cheeks burn and he hastily buried his face into Ushijima’s chest. “I don’t deserve someone like you.”

“Perhaps,” he answered, “but I don’t deserve you either. I don’t deserve you giving me a second chance and yet, here we are.”

They fell silent, holding onto each other tightly, as they let everything, all their words, all their feelings, wash over them. They said nothing, but when Oikawa lifted his head and glanced down at Ushijima’s lips, the question was clear.

When their lips met, it was painfully delicate, like velvet petals falling in the rain, both of them worried about messing up and breaking what they had. It took a moment for them to figure each other out, but when they did, they kissed as if they wished to drink every breath they ever took without the other. Kisses so deep and full that Oikawa wondered if Ushijima planned on making him forget time entirely. And when they broke apart, breathless and foreheads rested against each other, he smiled, feeling at peace.

“Thank you,” he whispered. “I love you.”

Ushijima said nothing, but the look in his eyes was more than enough for Oikawa. He continued to stare adoringly at Oikawa until Oikawa’s nose scrunched up and he reached up to smack his chest.

“Ow.” Ushijima’s brow furrowed. “I’m sorry, but I am confused.”

“Stupid Ushi-chan confessing to me right now when I have to leave and go back to Argentina tomorrow and never see you again!” Oikawa pouted. “What am I going to do now?”

“I’m sorry.” He pressed a kiss to his forehead. “You know I will text or call you everyday and also, I, too, am headed back to Tokyo to return to Oita tomorrow. So if you wish, I can accompany you to the airport before I go.”

Oikawa looked away and continued to pout. He could’ve sworn he saw Ushijima roll his eyes, but decided to ignore it. “I guess that could work,” he said. “For now. But you owe me during our next visit. I expect to be treated like a king. Okay?”

“Of course. I’ll be sure to be the one to visit next time too.”

The thought of Ushijima visiting him in San Juan made Oikawa happier than he thought it would and he couldn’t hide the broad smile on his face. Pulling Ushijima down, he gave him one last kiss for the night and they finally left each other.

As he walked home, Oikawa’s thoughts were filled with all that had happened and he sighed happily to himself as he reread the text Ushijima sent to him immediately after they departed.

`> Ushijima: Thank you and I love you.`

Reflecting on the simple words, Oikawa realized how much gratitude he felt towards Ushijima and how the other felt the same way. Looking back on their relationship, he now understood how much of an impact Ushijima has had on him since the very beginning. He was the one that made Oikawa stronger just by being there, the one that always put him first, whether Oikawa saw it that way or not. He was the one that was always one step ahead, making sure Oikawa had a hand to hold and guide him when he needed it. There were times where he seemed strict and where Oikawa seemed stubborn, but even then, Ushijima was thinking of him most, regardless of how he felt towards him. It was far more than Oikawa felt he deserved, but if Ushijima wanted to give him this much, the least he could do was love him back just as strongly.

That night, Oikawa laid awake in bed and for once, sleeping was the last thing he wanted to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, thank you to Jaz, my Avocado-san, for being the start of this fic and for all of your help on it.  
> Second, thank you to everyone that joined me on this journey and for your support throughout all of this. It means a lot to me and I'm glad to hear that many of you enjoyed it.
> 
> This really all started out as me, rambling over some hcs with my friends, and somehow, it grew into this. Seeing as how this story was also influenced by my own struggles with depression during my first year at uni and what I wished someone had said to me back then, I was uncertain of how it would be perceived. But somehow, it resonated with some of you and for that, I am grateful.  
> Thank you again for sharing this journey with me. Remember that you are not alone and that there is always someone on your side. I wish you all peace and happiness.
> 
> If you enjoyed what you read, it would be greatly appreciated if you could reblog or like this fic's corresponding tumblr post, found [here.](https://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/post/615032182924361728/sleepless-ch-7) Leaving a comment or kudos would be greatly appreciated as well!
> 
> [dangcommaannie.tumblr.com](http://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Updates](http://dangcommaannie.tumblr.com/tagged/annie-writes-updates)


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